Seen today at Whole Foods...

...a young mother with baby in tow...

Floor length denim skirt with very cute pleated detailing in the back, black coat and purple headscarf tied tichel style shot through with sliver thread.

She looked lovely.

I did my shopping then cruised around the store to see if I could spot her and ask her where she got her skirt, compliment her on her scarf, etc, but she was gone by then.

Oh well.

It was odd and cool to see someone out and about who dresses the way I do most of the time.

But wouldn't you know, this was one day when I was wearing my denim "mini skirt" (it hits me just below mid calf) and a "cecily" style headband covering.

Oh well.

Yes, I own a Keffiyeh!

What's that?

It's like the scarf thing that's associated with terrorists. You know, Yasser Arrafat and his crowd. Usually they are red and white (those colors stand for a Kingdom, I believe) or black and white (the colors for a democracy)...I could be wrong on those details, can't remember where I learned that.

At any rate, I have one in my closet that I've had since about 1981 or so. Oooooooo, drama. They were cool in western Europe looooong before the trend came to the US.

But my point is, I saw someone wearing one at Church the other day. The priest's daughter as a matter of fact. And I thought to myself that this is something most likely to be seen in an Antiochian Orthodox Church that posesses a sizeable ethnic contingent.

And that's the point of this post:

Not all middle easterners are muslims!

WHAT???!!!

Oh, no. There are many people from the middle east who are Christians, too. And they do things like eat Hummus and wear keffiyeh and worship God, the FATHER, SON and HOLY SPIRIT: The Trinity one in essence and undivided. And they get baptized and they celebrate Pascha, and they EVEN celebrate EUCHARIST!!!!

Oh, yes, dear readers. Let us not tie our Christianity too closely to western cultural forms, and let us not forget the roots of Christian history in Jerusalem, Palestine, Damascus, Antioch...places like that.

And yes, I do own a Keffiyeh scarf, but I think for now it will stay in the back of my closet because it's rather old and ratty and it's not quite the thing for a woman my age....

At Breakfast with a Brother in Christ

After matins this morning, many of us found ourselves at McDonald's for coffee. Well, across from me sat a young man who is currently a seminarian. A woman slightly older than myself (late forties, perhaps) and I (late thirties) were in a conversation with him, and he expressed a desire to find a wife and get married. (Orthodox clergy can be married as long as they get married BEFORE they are ordained to the diaconate or the priesthood.)

He spoke of how difficult celibacy is, and his desire to be a married priest and not a celibate priest.


"If I can't get married, if I have to stay celibate, I want to become a monk on Mt. Athos, so I don't have to see women! The way they dress in Church [he grimaces and rubs his hand over his face, shaking his head]!"

"Yes, some of those young ladies really do dress badly." This from the older woman we were with.

"And their mothers, too!" the young man exclaimed.

We all shook our heads.

"Modesty is an act of charity." -me.

"Yes, yes it is!"

Dear sisters in Christ, modesty IS an act of Christian charity. Millstones come to mind. God have mercy on us all, and may this brother in Christ find a wife soon. (But even with a wife, we all owe our brothers, married and celibate, such charity.)

And one more thought: Modestly is NOT only for old fat middle aged women whom no one wants to look at. If we older ladies are so very modest, perhaps it is to teach our daughters who are young and attractive how to dress. But at the same time, you know, there's all types on this earth, and it's better to be safe than sorry on the judgment day when we can perhaps see how we have caused our various brothers to sin.

May God have mercy on this sinner.

God is so abundant! (Another clothing post)

I've been praying about my need for some wardrobe updates for a while now. As my readers here have probably discerned, shopping is something that sends me into panic mode and stresses me out to no end. I'm just not very good at dressing myself well, especially on a tight budget. (Think, thrift store budget for the most part.)

Well, yesterday I decided to give the nearest Goodwill another shot. It had slim pickings the first time I went there, and quite frankly I was not impressed.

Well, yesterday was different. I found a spring green blouse, and a blue blouse and a maroon mock turtleneck, and a skirt. The neat thing about the two blouses is: They each perfectly color coordinate with a headcovering I sewed the other day AND a Coldwater Creek (very nice brand!) skirt I found at the thrift store yesterday as well.

Oh, did I mention that the maroon mock turtleneck was perfect under a warm maroon shawl I've had for a while (also a thrift store find) and very wonderful for our midnight Christmas Hierarchical Divine Liturgy (which was over the mood beautiful, by the way!)

And did I mention I found two flannel nightgowns: One for me and one for my oldest daughter.

All these clothes were in near new or like new condition...no visible wear and tear on them at all.

It's like God had it all planned out for my benefit, which I truly believe He did.

Glory to Thee, O Lord, glory to Thee, who clothes the lilies of the field and commands us not to worry about clothes, as Thou knowest we need such things.

Christ is born! Glorify Him, Alleluia!

Merry Christmas!

Christ is born, glorify Him. Alleluia!

love,

the Sheldahl Family

Threads

I got out my sewing machine today and made a wide headband (the kind that unfolds) out of an old shirt that was in a charming spring time floral print, and a snood and a little hat. The snood and hat were cut up from a crocheted sweater I got from the thrift store. (I love the scalloped edging!) It was a boring beige color and I think these items need some dye.

Any suggestions on what color I should go for?

Please pray for me if you have a spare second....

I'm just really struggling with depression right now/lately. Adjusting to living in a new town, even though we love it, doesn't help. Any change is hard and joy is counterbalanced by loss and grief. And it's the holidays.

Do I need medication? I don't know. I don't want to need it. There are always unpleasant side effects, and the cost. I'd rather spend the health savings account money on the kids. Depression is an on-going problem in my life and I'm rather ashamed of it. I ask God for help. More tears this morning. I'm horrible about staying on my meds when I am on meds, because of the side effects. They make me dizzy...horribly dizzy. At least Welbutrin does. Other meds have other effects. Blech.

For one thing, I hate winter. Maybe I have Seasonal Affective Disorder because I always get like this at this time of year. Long term readers of my blogs know this. Forgive me.

I'd love to go walking but when it's eight degrees outside, those walks would have to be short.

I really want to be a joyful person. I really want to be a grateful person, but all the joy and gratitude feels like it's on the surface, and underneath is just this huge pit of pain and angst and sadness in my brain and belly.

My thoughts tend to obsess about certain things like my weight, or what to wear and I get on these obsessive loops of despair. Most of my clothes are black, brown, gray and beige and I wonder if this is a symptom or a cause or just part of the cycle. Rather than looking "New Yorky" with those drab colors, I end up looking frumpy and depressed...because I am.



So, a random list of things I'm grateful for:

My sweet children.
The fact that I got to see my dad last week, who lives nine hours away.
My new nephew, born last week.
My husband, who is wonderful even when I don't deserve him to be.
My new apartment and the fact that it's big and is easy to keep clean.
New friends and old.
The adventure of getting to know a new city.
The wonderful pediatician we found last week who is very knowledgeable about Autism spectrum issues.
Health insurance.
My sewing machine (I'm dying to get it out and sew something soon.)
I'm happy that I learned how to make Artisan bread this past year, that it's easy and just like the bread I used to get from the bakery in Switzerland.
I'm grateful for the internet.
I'm grateful for those big boxes of frozen bonrless catfish pieces you can buy at the Walmart grocery.
I'm grateful for the chance to go to St. Athanasius Orthodox Church yesterday, but also grateful that I missed St. Michael's a little bit (our new parish).

Anyways, does anyone else struggle with depression?

Be sure you come home again!

Today was one of those days when I just felt like such a dork and uncomfortable in what I'm wearing and uncomfortable with my hair and head covering. I struggle so much with myself and wish I were at peace with myself. Don't get me wrong. I am very much at peace with God. But I"m not so very comfortable with my own person.

May God have mercy on me.

So I opened a package from a good friend, and there was an icon of St. Herman of Alaska, wrapped in a lovely yellow Anokhi scarf. That cheered me up and made my outfit (which was still dreadful) look a bit less dour. Black turtle neck and dark gray knit skirt (not a lovely dark gray knit skirt, but a rather severe and ugly one), oh and don't forget the frumpy green socks and cloggish brown leather shoes (comfortable, warm and ugly). The tag on the gift said "Housewarming", so I went ahead and opened it. I'm glad I did, as I smiled and was cheered a bit. I knew it was an icon and I didn't want to to stay wrapped up.

I did go to Vespers and made confession tonight. I told all these struggles to my new priest (we just moved, remember), and he reminded me that I'm not a nun, that I do need to strike a balance and put some joy into my life and find time to relax and have fun, too. We talked of my burdens and he said I have a big cross.

Tomorrow we are planning on visiting our old parish. This means getting up early and driving for almost 2 hours. I told Father Alexander where we would be, and he just said: "Be sure you come home again!" and I said "Oh, we will!" That simple thing he said: "Be sure you come home again!" made me feel very loved and welcomed, and "at home" here in my new parish.

Since we Cover to pray...

I'm going to write a series of posts, perhaps, on ways to deepen one's prayer life. In the process I might end up sharing my prayer rule and my struggles, but I'm going to try and focus on finding relevant articles written by saints and Fathers/Mothers of the Church on prayer. Because wearing a headcovering is ultimately not about putting something on my head, it's about being dedicated to a life of prayer as much as a laywoman can be. So...and while I have begun, I also still have a long way to go.

So here is St. Theophan the Recluse on the subject of establishing a prayer rule:

A prayer rule for one who is on the path of a God-pleasing life.

You ask about a prayer rule. Yes, it is good to have a prayer rule on account of our weakness so that on the one hand we do not give in to laziness, and on the other hand we restrain our enthusiasm to its proper measure. The greatest practitioners of prayer kept a prayer rule. They would always begin with established prayers, and if during the course of these a prayer started on its own, they would put aside the others and pray that prayer. If this is what the great practitioners of prayer did, all the more reason for us to do so. Without established prayers, we would not know how to pray at all. Without them, we would be left entirely without prayer.

However, one does not have to do many prayers. It is better to perform a small number of prayers properly than to hurry through a large number of prayers, because it is difficult to maintain the heat of prayerful zeal when they are performed to excess.

I would consider the morning and evening prayers as set out in the prayer books to be entirely sufficient for you. Just try each time to carry them out with full attention and corresponding feelings. To be more successful at this, spend a little of your free time at reading over all the prayers separately. Think them over and feel them, so that when you recite them at your prayer rule, you will know the holy thoughts and feelings that are contained in them. Prayer does not mean that we just recite prayers, but that we assimilate their content within ourselves, and pronounce them as if they came from our minds and hearts.

After you have considered and felt the prayers, work at memorizing them. Then you will not have to fumble about for your prayer book and light when it is time to pray; neither will you be distracted by anything you see while you are performing your prayers, but can more easily maintain thoughtful petition toward God. You will see for yourself what a great help this is. The fact that you will have your prayer book with you at all times and in all places is of great significance. Being thus prepared, when you stand at prayer be careful to keep your mind from drifting and your feeling from coldness and indifference, exerting yourself in every way to keep your attention and to spark warmth of feeling. After you have recited each prayer, make prostrations, as many as you like, accompanied by a prayer for any necessity that you feel, or by the usual short prayer. This will lengthen your prayer time a little, but its power will be increased. You should pray a little longer on your own especially at the end of your prayers, asking forgiveness for unintentional straying of the mind, and placing yourself in God's hands for the entire day.

You must also maintain prayerful attention toward God throughout the day. For this, as we have already mentioned more than once, there is remembrance of God; and for remembrance of God, there are short prayers. http://www.orthodox.net/articles/prayer-rule-theophan-the-recluse.html#l1

Some Clarity

I was walking between the education/fellowship wing of our Church building and the part of the building that contains the nave this morning. It's a breezeway, and off to one side there's a little garden, with a cross shaped footpath, a bench and an outdoor icon of the Theotokos holding the child Christ.

The weather was mild, and I decided to stop for a moment there at that little shrine, and say a prayer.

A moment turned into many moments, and I stood there in the wind for a very long time, praying the Jesus Prayer. I did not get cold, even though it is December.

Soon tears were streaming down my cheeks and drenching my coat, and I had the keenest sense of my own sins. I could see them very clearly. Chiefly I am grieved over my carnality. My worldliness. I waste so much time on things that are not real and on things which do not pull me or push me towards heaven. I am a slave to my body and a slave to my carnal self and this carnal world in so very many ways.

And something inside of me snapped. (At least for today!) I just don't want anything but God and His heavenly Kingdom. Someone asked me what I want for Christmas, and I couldn't even say. I don't even want anything. Just to live the Gospel as best I can. And I fall down so many times.

I want to be dead to the world. Of course I cannot escape to a monastery since I am a married lady with a family. But I've been wondering: How do I live a spiritual life as a lay person? It has to start with prayer and the sacraments and being in the Holy Scriptures. And you know what, I am very weak. I find that it is a huge stretch to take the Sacraments more than twice a week. Like I'm spiritually too weak to do so. I need to be strengthened, and I need to build up those muscles.

I often start out on such a path with good intentions, and then I crash and burn because I do too much too soon, like a baby who wants to run but is really still at the cruising stage and who falls when he lets go of the sofa. But how to I grow into it so that I DO get to the point of having more endurance?

This has been brewing for a while now, and the head covering thing is a part of it. I know it is. Like, when I started covering last May, suddenly my prayer life went down the toilet and I had to rebuild it from the bottom again. Suddenly the spiritual life that I've been engaging in (such as it is) became more of a struggle.

So here I am, but I see the next step in this obedience.

So how do I do this?

Well, for starters I need to clean up my reading. Less fiction. More spiritual stuff. And if it is fiction, it needs to be something elevating. I have a penchant for the most banal literature. God forgive me, I ought to be reading the Holy Scriptures, and spiritual things instead. What a wastrel I am.

Second thing that "goes in" to my brain: TV. I never actually turn on the Television set so it's easy to thing I don't really watch TV, when in reality I watch about two hours most evenings over the internet. Wes and I will get started on a series that is a few years old and watch episode after episode. Something that's meant for one hour a week, when it's taken in in a condensed form is not good. But the advantage is (if I will listen to the still small voice yelling at me over my shoulder) that all the gunk is concentrated and easier to discern. Of course discernment requires follow through in riddance. God have mercy.

I do OK on music.

I need to go for walks and pray the Jesus prayer. My body and my mind and spirit need the exercise. It's like killing two birds with one stone.

I need to be disciplined about going to bed early enough so that I can get up and go to matins. To be so close to Church and not take advantage of daily prayer services that can be prayed with the community is a sin. The reasons I usually turn off the alarm clock and roll over in the mornings have everything to do with staying up to late watching those dumb shows on the internet. Beyond that, I'm fairly consistent with Morning Prayers with the kids, since we do it to start out school day.

And at some point I need to beef up my evening prayer habit as well. It's there, but currently it suffers from brevity and a lack of oomph due to evening tiredness.

There's lots to do. People to love and a world to pray for. Much to repent of. How come I waste my time so often in vain pursuits?

Well, those are my thoughts tonight. God have mercy on me a sinner and keep my spirit safe. I did take a nice walk this evening. Prayer rope, Jesus Prayer, and all.

Depression

I'll be honest here. Depression is something I struggle against daily. It's a reality of my life. Meds just give me side effects, so I have to learn to deal in non-medical ways. It's not severe, it's mild. But still.

I like knowing that this life is a valley of tears. The valley of the shadow of death. Live to die. Think about your death every day. This is healthy, for perhaps it will change your life.

There's a big part of me that grew up just outside my parents' limelight (they were well known missionaries in the circles they ran in) that really really craves that sort of thing. My training in seminary did not do anythig to get rid of those cravings and the expectation that there would be this element in my life of being someone important, cutting edge, well known, significant.

Instead, here I am. Everything is quiet. My life is unknown and quiet and I have this intense longing to somehow affect the world and leave my mark. But God keeps calling me to quiet and silence and to simple prayer. I don't even think I'm a "prayer warrior" in the sense of the way that phrase was known to me when I was younger.

No, instead, I"m just a simple woman who tries to remember to pray for God's mercy as I go througout my day. I try to remember to pray for the healing of the Church. I weep when I read about schism, scandal and sin. I weep over my own sins.

But God has not granted to me anything cool or unusual. Just the ordinary, along with a heavy dose of essential pain. (We all have that in our various ways, I must remember).

And this is very hard to accept.

I really really hope my life is enough.

I Don't Remember

I sat down to do a post on the different head coverings I've worn this week, and you know what? I don't even remember what they have been.

Just lots of ordinariness, I guess. Put something on my head and forget about it. It's probably been my beige hat a few times and I know I wore my brown snood yesterday, and I think I did a traditional Russain style head wrap at Church on Sunday because I was cold and that is a warm way to do a head covering.

But I don't remember details.

It feels good not to remember detaisl, ya know? Means I'm getting over myself, it does. At least about the head covering stuff.

Busy Week

It's been a really busy week. On Sunday I was feeling particularly sad and missed my old parish. For some reason, everything was rubbing me the wrong way. I was feeling intimidated by the little old Lebanese women who seem to own the Church, and out of sorts with myself. Couldn't find a place to sit and kept worrying that my family would offend someone by sitting in "their" pew. All those worries were from the devil, perhaps. I just felt plagued.

And when we did all finally settle in, I kept having horrid thoughts about the people in front of me. God have mercy on me a sinner. I was battling those thoughts instead of indulging in them, but they kept nagging me like a mosquito. God have mercy again.

Fortunately we were able to slip out fairly quickly, and get home for some lunch and I would have had a quiet afternoon except for the fact that some neighborhood kids showed up. Instead of saying "go away, our parents are napping" the kids invited them right on in, so I got up and kept an eye on things. So it goes. I did not die from not getting my own way.

Yesterday was a bit better. I had a surprise visit from my DAD! He lives nine hours away, and was on his way to my sister's house. She's about to have a baby and on good faith that his grandson will arrive according to his schedule, my Dad chose to go and help my sister with her two year old. Hope baby G makes his appearance soon, then. I'd not even known my dad was headed our way. So that was a nice surprise.

And then my oldest daughter and I went to hang out with some ladies at our new parish who have a knitting group. It was SO GOOD to do that, and start getting to know people. I popped in to Hobby Lobby and grabbed two rolls of baby yarn and just started knitting a cardigan without a pattern. The yarn is scrumptious and it's a fun project. Who is having a baby girl?

Today was Divine Liturgy at 7 am for the Conception of the Theotokos by St. Anna. (You know that you are Orthodox when you celebrate a liturgy for someone's conception! We aren't afraid of being earthy.) There were some nice pastries and coffee in the Church office because it was our priest's 30th anniversary of his ordination. God grant Father Alexander many years.

We have workers jackhammering in our bathroom due to a slab leak under the building in the hot water line. All four units on the ground floor of this building are getting hammered, and no one's had hot water in over a month. In other words, since moving in here I've not had a hot shower. But they are seeking that leak and they will find that leak. I'm praying for them to do so. And then the maintenance guys will have some major repair and restoration work to do. But I'm not worried because I don't have to pay for it.

I did a google search on "Bible mp3" and discovered a plethora of web sites offering free down loads of Audio Bibles. I listened to the book of Hebrews whilst knitting, until my son informed me that he could not concentrate on his school work while I was doing that. As soon as the kids are done with their work, I'll turn it back on. It's a great way to get far in both the hearing of the Holy Scriptures and a knitting project.

So that's been my week so far.

This was interesting

Here is an interesting take on the meaning behind the 1 Cor 11 passage about headcovering in a discussion at monachos.net

It closely resembles my thinking on the subject, but takes it all a step or two further.

Scroll down to post # 55.