Methinks I like!
Now, the real question is: Do I have the guts to wear it out of the house?
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Plain White Snood
Methinks I like!
Now, the real question is: Do I have the guts to wear it out of the house?
Saturday, March 28, 2009
An Encouraging Adventure
I had the thought today that maybe one of the reasons I am so torn about my clothing, is that God might be calling me to plain dressing. There's the attraction there, and yet me digging my heels in too. I'm praying and pondering this possibility.
Today, after my many tears of last night, Wes knew I needed to get out of the house, and so I opted to go to the fabric store. I hadn't been in ages, especially not to find something that I could make for myself.
I had this thought, as I was driving over tere, that wouldn't it be nice and encouraging, if, while I was out of the house, I saw another Christian person who was obviously covering her head for religious reasons. I thought "Lord, that would encourage me so greatly, just to see someone else." After that, I didn't give it any more thought.
Then I walked up to the door of Jo Ann Fabrics. Even before I was in all the way, I saw an entire family of semi-plain dressing folks. Both teenage girls and the mother had on white kerchifs over their buns, clippied to death, I must say. Wow, my heart lept. God had answered a prayer that I just thought was a passing thought! And there it was, the encouragement I needed. Just for one moment not to be ALONE in this.
As I was browsing, at one point I happened to be walking towards the mother, and her young son. I saw him looking at me. I, in my green fabric snood, floral print long skirt, red shirt and black fleece hoodie jacket. His eyes got wide and a look of recognition was on his face. I smiled at the tot. (He might have been three or four.) I was turning the corner when I heard him exclaim "Look, mama!" as he pointed at me, and I could hear her shushing him. Yes, he noticed my covering. Later, the mother and I exchanged smiles.
That was the extent of my adventure of encouragement at the fabric store. I bought some white broad cloth to make my daughter a slip, and to play around with creating a modest blouse pattern for myself. I also bought enough brown knit fabric to make myself a dress.
I spent the afternoon sewing a couple of waistbands onto some skirts for the girls and working on A's Pascha (aka Passover/Easter) dress. I promised myself to get the sewing for the kids done before I make the dress for me. So the Pascha dress is almost done, and that makes me very happy. Sewing is good for my soul and it has been way too long since I've done it.
Today, after my many tears of last night, Wes knew I needed to get out of the house, and so I opted to go to the fabric store. I hadn't been in ages, especially not to find something that I could make for myself.
I had this thought, as I was driving over tere, that wouldn't it be nice and encouraging, if, while I was out of the house, I saw another Christian person who was obviously covering her head for religious reasons. I thought "Lord, that would encourage me so greatly, just to see someone else." After that, I didn't give it any more thought.
Then I walked up to the door of Jo Ann Fabrics. Even before I was in all the way, I saw an entire family of semi-plain dressing folks. Both teenage girls and the mother had on white kerchifs over their buns, clippied to death, I must say. Wow, my heart lept. God had answered a prayer that I just thought was a passing thought! And there it was, the encouragement I needed. Just for one moment not to be ALONE in this.
As I was browsing, at one point I happened to be walking towards the mother, and her young son. I saw him looking at me. I, in my green fabric snood, floral print long skirt, red shirt and black fleece hoodie jacket. His eyes got wide and a look of recognition was on his face. I smiled at the tot. (He might have been three or four.) I was turning the corner when I heard him exclaim "Look, mama!" as he pointed at me, and I could hear her shushing him. Yes, he noticed my covering. Later, the mother and I exchanged smiles.
That was the extent of my adventure of encouragement at the fabric store. I bought some white broad cloth to make my daughter a slip, and to play around with creating a modest blouse pattern for myself. I also bought enough brown knit fabric to make myself a dress.
I spent the afternoon sewing a couple of waistbands onto some skirts for the girls and working on A's Pascha (aka Passover/Easter) dress. I promised myself to get the sewing for the kids done before I make the dress for me. So the Pascha dress is almost done, and that makes me very happy. Sewing is good for my soul and it has been way too long since I've done it.
This Side of Heaven
I spent the evening last night looking at plain and modest dress styles and working myself into a lather of confusion and despair.
I'm at a really really bad place with how I feel about myself personally. 39 years old, but people say I look 30 (and I have a high squeaky voice for such a large woman, so over the telephone I get called "young lady" and confused for my kids). So my face looks young, my hair is wild and uncontrolled. In another six months I'll be officially into "I have Morgan LaFaye -evil witch from the King Arthur stories-hair" which is a good reason to wear a head covering if there ever was one. But then I'm always the lady with the crooked head scarf or hair escaping from even the most secure snood or tichel. I'm also overweight and I HATE that about myself. All the "follow your doctor's diet" (which is low carb because of my health issues) "only eat when you are hungry", "don't take seconds", "eat smaller portions", "go for long walks" is being implemented.
But it's not having much of an effect, except that the inclusion of coconut oil in my diet seems to be helping my dry skin problem.
And I feel SO FRUMPY, and BAD. Part of me wishes there were an Orthodox Church where all the ladies dressed like Mennonites. A uniform. Someone else telling me what to wear, and a group that would help me to fit in, so I would NOT have to think about clothes, and how they are uncomfortable and how I look ridiculous (or at least feel ridiculous) in just about everything I put on.
And then there's the other side of me that wants to wear sweeping black or natural colored linen dresses and very arty looking scarves and be all artsy fartsy.
And I wish I could put this inner conflict to rest, but I can't. It's been with me for years and I feel like I'm KA-RAY-ZEE.
So, many many tears last night. Big Sobbing Boo Hoos. Not just about this. I'm stressed with the responsibility of home schooling my kids, I'm sad about my sick daughter (oh, so sad!), worried about my son (Lord, help me not to worry!, and I miss my friends in Lexington, and I feel very alone and disconnected. Normal feelings for someone who is stressed out at work, has recently moved, is chronically ill, and has chronically sick kids. (People come up to me at Church and ask me how I am as if "things are finally better, aren't they?" but no, things are never better this side of heaven.
I really really wish God would just show me really clearly how he wants ME to dress and be in this ol' world, so I could be at peace and be done with it. But instead I always fret, never feel right and never feel peaceful. It's not like anyone really CARES. And the only advice I get from my beloved is on what NOT to wear. And it's not like I NEED any clothes, it's just I'm so sick of floral print skirts and t-shirts that I want to scream. My breasts are too big and my belly bulges and t-shirts look gross because they don't adequately cover what's underneath. And blouses always gape in the front, unless they are way too big through the shoulders, which looks sloppy.
Frump city. Despair. Sometime I HATE life, I hate me, I hate this side of heaven.
There, now you all know.
I'm at a really really bad place with how I feel about myself personally. 39 years old, but people say I look 30 (and I have a high squeaky voice for such a large woman, so over the telephone I get called "young lady" and confused for my kids). So my face looks young, my hair is wild and uncontrolled. In another six months I'll be officially into "I have Morgan LaFaye -evil witch from the King Arthur stories-hair" which is a good reason to wear a head covering if there ever was one. But then I'm always the lady with the crooked head scarf or hair escaping from even the most secure snood or tichel. I'm also overweight and I HATE that about myself. All the "follow your doctor's diet" (which is low carb because of my health issues) "only eat when you are hungry", "don't take seconds", "eat smaller portions", "go for long walks" is being implemented.
But it's not having much of an effect, except that the inclusion of coconut oil in my diet seems to be helping my dry skin problem.
And I feel SO FRUMPY, and BAD. Part of me wishes there were an Orthodox Church where all the ladies dressed like Mennonites. A uniform. Someone else telling me what to wear, and a group that would help me to fit in, so I would NOT have to think about clothes, and how they are uncomfortable and how I look ridiculous (or at least feel ridiculous) in just about everything I put on.
And then there's the other side of me that wants to wear sweeping black or natural colored linen dresses and very arty looking scarves and be all artsy fartsy.
And I wish I could put this inner conflict to rest, but I can't. It's been with me for years and I feel like I'm KA-RAY-ZEE.
So, many many tears last night. Big Sobbing Boo Hoos. Not just about this. I'm stressed with the responsibility of home schooling my kids, I'm sad about my sick daughter (oh, so sad!), worried about my son (Lord, help me not to worry!, and I miss my friends in Lexington, and I feel very alone and disconnected. Normal feelings for someone who is stressed out at work, has recently moved, is chronically ill, and has chronically sick kids. (People come up to me at Church and ask me how I am as if "things are finally better, aren't they?" but no, things are never better this side of heaven.
I really really wish God would just show me really clearly how he wants ME to dress and be in this ol' world, so I could be at peace and be done with it. But instead I always fret, never feel right and never feel peaceful. It's not like anyone really CARES. And the only advice I get from my beloved is on what NOT to wear. And it's not like I NEED any clothes, it's just I'm so sick of floral print skirts and t-shirts that I want to scream. My breasts are too big and my belly bulges and t-shirts look gross because they don't adequately cover what's underneath. And blouses always gape in the front, unless they are way too big through the shoulders, which looks sloppy.
Frump city. Despair. Sometime I HATE life, I hate me, I hate this side of heaven.
There, now you all know.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Growing Pains
I think lots of the head covering stress I've been having lately is caused my the fact that my hair is, at last, getting longish. A year ago it was very very short, and if I wanted to look funky and artsy, I could put a wide scarf around it, and look "cool". Now, I look dorky if I do that because I have the hair of an unkempt middle schooler or a matron, depending on how it's styled.
Aside form covering it up and keeping it out of sight, out of mind, I realize I have no idea what to do with it.
And I find that tricks that worked just fine a few months ago, don't work the same way now that my hair is longer. My snoods look different, my kerchiefs look different, and so it's all a bit frustrating.
Growing pains, I think.
But that's a good thing, right? I mean, we all dream of long locks to fill our snoods, or to give our head that attractive "I have hair under here and you don't get to see it lump that comes from a decent pony tail.
I'm in between. If I wear a kerchief, my hair barely peeks out from behind. But that's not all a bad thing, either.
One word for my stressed out soul: RELAX!
From whence cometh my help? My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth.
Aside form covering it up and keeping it out of sight, out of mind, I realize I have no idea what to do with it.
And I find that tricks that worked just fine a few months ago, don't work the same way now that my hair is longer. My snoods look different, my kerchiefs look different, and so it's all a bit frustrating.
Growing pains, I think.
But that's a good thing, right? I mean, we all dream of long locks to fill our snoods, or to give our head that attractive "I have hair under here and you don't get to see it lump that comes from a decent pony tail.
I'm in between. If I wear a kerchief, my hair barely peeks out from behind. But that's not all a bad thing, either.
One word for my stressed out soul: RELAX!
From whence cometh my help? My help comes from the Lord who made heaven and earth.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
spring time and feet of clay.
Spring has definitely arrived here in Kentucky and with it's blustery wind and warmer temperature comes the question: What sort of head covering is right for the season?
I'll be honest: I've cut down on my head covering time a bit. Still absolutely 100% covered during Church. That's a non-negotiable. As an Orthodox Christian, I'm not really free to interpret the Scriptures on my own, and the vast consensus of history has interpreted 1 Cor. 11 as head covering in the gathered congregation of Church. But there's also no rule against covering outside of Church either...and as you all know, I've been struggling with desire versus conviction and don't really know what to do. I go through on again off again phases on that one, and don't know whether to go with the flow, or just muscle through my off again phase and cover anyways. I guess it all depends on one's motive for covering, or is it just something between a woman and her God? I wish I had the answer. It seems so clear and easy for others and so difficult and complicated for me. It would help if I liked myself better and did not go through life with a permanent "I'm a goofball complex", but I do, and I have never been able to shake that, either.
I think part of it has to do with really really wanting to fit in to my new community (which on some level I never will because I'm kind of poverty stricken, in an educated but lower middle class sort of way, and because I'm not Lebanese...well, Fr. A likes to brag about how diversified the parish has become, but to my white anglo saxon eyes, the parish community is filled with very short swarthy-skinned women with way more verve, oomph self confidence than I'll ever possess. With an Autistic/Schizophrenic daughter and most likely two other kids who are also on the autistic spectrum, albeit undiagnosed, and our alternative-to the american dream-lifestyle family choices (we chose to give up home ownership and live in an apartment to simplify our lifestyle and the number of posessions we needed to own and we have more than average number of kids and a stay at home mom who homeschools, which also makes us weird) that we've made, I've just been feeling insecure lately. Yeah, I know. Those feelings are not holy nor are they from God. But they are real and I have to deal with them.
The funny thing is, after I talked the issue over with dh (finally) and told him of my struggles, he said yeah, perhaps I should take a break. Then what should happen today? Well, I just feel the urge to wear a covering. Ha ha. Apparently I'm not used to my hair hanging all in my face. So I put a covering on and got chuckled at when dh came home.
So what's it to be this spring? Kristen has some lovely combinations of fashions and beret style coverings on her blog, which are just so yummy I could cry when I look at my own floral-print skirt dominated southern gal wardrobe, but berets are so much more Portland than Louisville, ya know?
I'm open to suggestions. Meanwhile, the heavier scarves, hats and snoods are going to be packed away for next fall. Perhaps those little snoods I made...along with a few of those fanfold headband coverings will be my thing for a while. I feel almost incognito in those. I might even look at merely wide headbands.
And I think I need incognito for a while. At church, incognito is a lace mantilla (I have three of those) or a long scarf in the Russian wrap style. But I can't do either of those out and about as well. I think too much. I hope I do not disappoint anyone too very much. My feet of clay are showing and I so wish I had a real life friend to encourage me. Meanwhile I think I'll go off to bed and think about what greatgranmary said on someone else's blog about consecrating one's head to God.
I'll be honest: I've cut down on my head covering time a bit. Still absolutely 100% covered during Church. That's a non-negotiable. As an Orthodox Christian, I'm not really free to interpret the Scriptures on my own, and the vast consensus of history has interpreted 1 Cor. 11 as head covering in the gathered congregation of Church. But there's also no rule against covering outside of Church either...and as you all know, I've been struggling with desire versus conviction and don't really know what to do. I go through on again off again phases on that one, and don't know whether to go with the flow, or just muscle through my off again phase and cover anyways. I guess it all depends on one's motive for covering, or is it just something between a woman and her God? I wish I had the answer. It seems so clear and easy for others and so difficult and complicated for me. It would help if I liked myself better and did not go through life with a permanent "I'm a goofball complex", but I do, and I have never been able to shake that, either.
I think part of it has to do with really really wanting to fit in to my new community (which on some level I never will because I'm kind of poverty stricken, in an educated but lower middle class sort of way, and because I'm not Lebanese...well, Fr. A likes to brag about how diversified the parish has become, but to my white anglo saxon eyes, the parish community is filled with very short swarthy-skinned women with way more verve, oomph self confidence than I'll ever possess. With an Autistic/Schizophrenic daughter and most likely two other kids who are also on the autistic spectrum, albeit undiagnosed, and our alternative-to the american dream-lifestyle family choices (we chose to give up home ownership and live in an apartment to simplify our lifestyle and the number of posessions we needed to own and we have more than average number of kids and a stay at home mom who homeschools, which also makes us weird) that we've made, I've just been feeling insecure lately. Yeah, I know. Those feelings are not holy nor are they from God. But they are real and I have to deal with them.
The funny thing is, after I talked the issue over with dh (finally) and told him of my struggles, he said yeah, perhaps I should take a break. Then what should happen today? Well, I just feel the urge to wear a covering. Ha ha. Apparently I'm not used to my hair hanging all in my face. So I put a covering on and got chuckled at when dh came home.
So what's it to be this spring? Kristen has some lovely combinations of fashions and beret style coverings on her blog, which are just so yummy I could cry when I look at my own floral-print skirt dominated southern gal wardrobe, but berets are so much more Portland than Louisville, ya know?
I'm open to suggestions. Meanwhile, the heavier scarves, hats and snoods are going to be packed away for next fall. Perhaps those little snoods I made...along with a few of those fanfold headband coverings will be my thing for a while. I feel almost incognito in those. I might even look at merely wide headbands.
And I think I need incognito for a while. At church, incognito is a lace mantilla (I have three of those) or a long scarf in the Russian wrap style. But I can't do either of those out and about as well. I think too much. I hope I do not disappoint anyone too very much. My feet of clay are showing and I so wish I had a real life friend to encourage me. Meanwhile I think I'll go off to bed and think about what greatgranmary said on someone else's blog about consecrating one's head to God.
Friday, March 20, 2009
A Prayer
O Lord my God, may all glory be to you.
As I cover up my glory today, let me do this as an offering to You, with joy.
Let my heart be at peace. Let me stay in the shelter of your wings.
Let me feel your forgiveness, and let this head covering remind me of your promise to be my shelter, my rock, my defender.
O Lord, be my joy!
Let me not get distracted by the pull of the world.
Let me not be discontented in the place you have put me.
Let me not long for outward beauty, but for the spiritual beauty that comes only from You.
Let me not fret about the little things, or worry about the big things.
Give me, rather, your peace, just as you promised.
Lord, this is a struggle for me, but Lord you said "My yoke is easy and my burden is light." Lord, help this to be an easy yoke, a light burden. Help me to have an obedient heart. Help me to be faithful, even when I want to be faithless.
Lord, I am the least of your handmaidens. Have mercy on me, a sinner.
Help me to show your love to all who come my way. Let me be yours. Let my thoughts be prayers to you. Let my words be glorifying to you. Let my heart be at peace.
Amen.
As I cover up my glory today, let me do this as an offering to You, with joy.
Let my heart be at peace. Let me stay in the shelter of your wings.
Let me feel your forgiveness, and let this head covering remind me of your promise to be my shelter, my rock, my defender.
O Lord, be my joy!
Let me not get distracted by the pull of the world.
Let me not be discontented in the place you have put me.
Let me not long for outward beauty, but for the spiritual beauty that comes only from You.
Let me not fret about the little things, or worry about the big things.
Give me, rather, your peace, just as you promised.
Lord, this is a struggle for me, but Lord you said "My yoke is easy and my burden is light." Lord, help this to be an easy yoke, a light burden. Help me to have an obedient heart. Help me to be faithful, even when I want to be faithless.
Lord, I am the least of your handmaidens. Have mercy on me, a sinner.
Help me to show your love to all who come my way. Let me be yours. Let my thoughts be prayers to you. Let my words be glorifying to you. Let my heart be at peace.
Amen.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Free Not to Cover
The thing about being free to cover, is also being free not to cover. I just don't feel like it. But I"m wearing my head covering anyways. Because it's not about feelings, it's about a decision. It's about taking up something that reminds me visibly that I"m the Lord's handmaiden and putting it on, and getting the job done (whatever that job happens to be).
I took a short blogging break, and although Lent is not yet over, I'm back. Too much to write about, and I figured I'd make my grumpy blog fans a wee bit happy today.
So, I went to visit Holy Dormitian Monastery in Michigan last weekend, and it was wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. I really was able to buckle down and pray. Not only in the services with the nuns, but in between. They didn't have any work for us pilgirms to do because it was the beginning of Lent and it was raining like cats and dogs, but that's OK. My family was heavy on my heart, and I just spent the time crying to God about them.
But then I returned from the monastery and suddenly I just didn't want to cover anymore. Could hardly stand the thought of it. Like someone was sitting on my shoulder actively discouraging me from doing this simple thing for God.
But here's where the do-it-anyways stubborn kicks in. Because the Scriptures did not change. God does not change. But oh, how changeable are our hearts? And isn't that the truth in so many areas, not just putting a piece of fabric on one's head?
Don't give up, struggle on, stay faithful. This is just an icon for all the rest of it.
God have mercy!
I took a short blogging break, and although Lent is not yet over, I'm back. Too much to write about, and I figured I'd make my grumpy blog fans a wee bit happy today.
So, I went to visit Holy Dormitian Monastery in Michigan last weekend, and it was wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. I really was able to buckle down and pray. Not only in the services with the nuns, but in between. They didn't have any work for us pilgirms to do because it was the beginning of Lent and it was raining like cats and dogs, but that's OK. My family was heavy on my heart, and I just spent the time crying to God about them.
But then I returned from the monastery and suddenly I just didn't want to cover anymore. Could hardly stand the thought of it. Like someone was sitting on my shoulder actively discouraging me from doing this simple thing for God.
But here's where the do-it-anyways stubborn kicks in. Because the Scriptures did not change. God does not change. But oh, how changeable are our hearts? And isn't that the truth in so many areas, not just putting a piece of fabric on one's head?
Don't give up, struggle on, stay faithful. This is just an icon for all the rest of it.
God have mercy!
Sunday, March 1, 2009
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